Joke of the Week

We appreciate the jokes and/or funny stories.  Please keep them coming:  debi1948@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert was visiting a friend. To get to his friend’s house, he needed to cross the train tracks. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on before so while crossing he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party.
While in the kitchen, he hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my tea kettle?”
The desert man replies, “Man, these things are no joke, you gotta kill them when they’re small.”

 

A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress.
“You call this progress?” snapped the patient. “Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I’m nobody!”

 

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

 

My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!

  

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…
Satan: “Why so glum?”
Biker : “What do you think? I’m in hell!”
Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”
Biker : “Sure, I love to drink.”
Satan: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”
Biker : “Gee that sounds great!”
Satan: “You a smoker?”
Biker : “You better believe it.”
Satan: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?”
Biker : “Wow…that’s awesome!”
Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”
Biker : “Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Satan: “Good,’ cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.”
Biker : “Cool!”
Satan: “What about Drugs?”
Biker : “Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?”
Satan: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.”
Biker : “Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”
Satan: “You gay?”
Biker : “No……”
Satan: “Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough……”

 

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?”

 

 

 

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